Last month, my husband and I had a big beautiful wedding. It was a perfect day, filled with food, beverages, a gorgeous sunset off of Waikiki, and of course all the people we love. We were so happy to celebrate with so many people who got us to where we are today. But, I couldn't help but observe the social experiment in the days following our wedding when we finally opened our (very generous) gifts.
The experiment was in unpacking the bag full of cards we got.
Many of them said Keopu and Jason. Others carried our silly couple nickname, Ublitz (a cross between his Ubay and my Reelitz). A few had talked to us before and knew to write Reelitz-Ubay. There were a good amount though that addressed it to us as Jason and Keopu Ubay. And even fewer wrote Mr. and Mrs. Jason Ubay.
Who wrote what typically suggested which of us they knew best. Sometimes, it indicated at what point in our lives they got to know one or both of us. For example, friends from a specific circle that got to know both of us well were definitely the Ublitz cards. Every now and then, though, how a guest addressed us suggested less history and more expectation. It was no surprise that many close to Jason were the ones who addressed it to Jason and Keopu Ubay because, of course, they would want to see the Ubay family name to continue through us.
So let's just set the record straight: we are Jason Ubay and Keopu Reelitz most times. We're Jason and Keopu Ubay, if that's what you prefer to call us. And legally, we're Jason and Keopu Reelitz-Ubay. It turns out this whole name (and identity) thing is pretty complicated.
Jason and I had a lot of discussions after we got engaged. I told him I really liked my family name. He said I didn't need to change it. I asked if he would change his name. He said no. I talked to him about the experiences of women (particularly in mixed race couples) whose names were different than their children's. He suggested we keep our own names and hyphenate kids' names. I suggested we both change our names and get the mana (power) of both families. He said no again.
Then, one day, as we got closer, he told me he had made up his mind - we should both change our names. I was a kid on Christmas day! We wouldn't have to pick our identities. We'd create new ones for our life together.
And how has it been? We're still negotiating those identities and spaces. We've decided to keep our own names professionally, both being writers and knowing the power of a byline. But, when it comes to being a family unit, we're the Reelitz-Ubays.
People react to what I call our hyphenation action in different ways. There are a lot of "wows" and a few "how modern of you" reactions. The guy at the DMV did a double-take when he looked at our marriage certificate. He was a pretty stereotypical DMV worker when I stepped up to him, stone-faced and not one for conversation. But, when he noticed Jason had also changed his name, he looked up and asked about it, even said "good for you guys" and "congratulations" by the end.
One fascinating trend we've noticed is that people care way more about a woman changing her name than a man changing his. I've been asked 23098235908 times. Jason cannot recall a time when he was asked if he was changing his name or even if I was changing mine. I'll leave that social commentary for another time.
The expectations part of our names - what we'll live up to - will always be a space of negotiation. But at the end of the day, it's really about how you know us. My closest friends will likely only ever call me Reelitz (or Ublitz). And, Jason's mom will probably always call us Jason and Keopu Ubay, and that's okay by me. If I could make one request though, try not to call me Mrs. Jason Ubay - I am neither bald, nor Filipino, and Jason would look terrible with long hair.If all else fails, you can just call me Keopu.
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